|This transcript is complete.|
- [Beast Boy, Cyborg, Starfire, and Raven sit around the control panel, playing a board game. They stop when they hear music, and Robin dances, playing a panflute, and dressed as a bard.]
- Robin: Hark, me lords, and listen ye well, forsooth, my ladies, I have tales to tell.
- Beast Boy: What are you doing, bro?
- Robin: Canst thou not see, my lord? I am but a humble bard. [Plays music.]
- Raven: Nice pantaloons.
- Starfire: Oh, I thought he was wearing the man diaper.
- Robin: This is not a man diaper! [Clears throat.] I am a bard here to excite thee with tales of adventure and morality.
- Cyborg: Hey, bard. Do you go pee-pee in that man diaper?
- Beast Boy: [Laughs.]
- Robin: Bards do not pee-pee in their pants! They tell stories that instill morals and character.
- Raven: Isn't that what you always do anyway?
- Robin: And you never listen. So, I'm engaging in these theatrics to trick you into learning.
- Beast Boy: [Groans.] What's wrong with our character and morals now?
- Robin: Everything!
- Cyborg: Can we at least get some snacks if we're gonna have to listen to you tell stories?
- Robin: Snacks? Funny you mention that. I just happen to have a story about two children who loved snacks so much, they almost died. Lend me your ears and listen ye well to the magical tale that I shall now tell. A story of children with large appetites cast out in the forest on the coldest of nights.
- Cyborg: Oh, you're talking about Hansel and Gretel. We know that one.
- Beast Boy: Yeah, let us tell it!
- Robin: No! Only the bard can tell the story!
- Beast Boy: [Steps on Robin as an elephant, transforms back.]
- Cyborg: The bard can pee-pee in his man diaper. We're telling the story.
- Beast Boy: [Clears throat.] Once upon those olden times, Hansel and Gretel ate all the food and got kicked out of the house.
- Gretel (Cyborg): I told you not to eat all the schnitzels!
- Hansel (Beast Boy): Maybe you should have shared the strudel.
- [Hansel and Gretel's stomachs growl.]
- Gretel (Cyborg): Well, great. Now we're starving and lost in the forest.
- Hansel (Beast Boy): That's not even the worst of it, bro. I hear there's witches out here.
- Gretel (Cyborg): [Gasps.]
- Witch (Robin): Oh, yoo-hoo! [Hansel and Gretel scream.] Little children, all alone in the forest. You must be starving. Why not have a nibble of mein scrumptious candy house to fill those tummies?
- Hansel (Beast Boy): Don't you live in there?
- Witch (Robin): Well, yeah. This is mein house.
- Hansel (Beast Boy): So you walk around in there in getting your hair stuck in everything?
- Witch (Robin): [Armpit hair gets stuck on the wall. She pulls them off and onto a jar.] Perhaps, there is a bit of armpit hairs here and there, yeah.
- Gretel (Cyborg): Who cares if there's armpit hair? [Carries Hansel onto the rooftop.] Look at those gumdrops!
- Hansel (Beast Boy): Ah! All right, we'll eat your house.
- [Hansel and Gretel begin picking candy off of the house.]
- Witch (Robin): These foolish children have no idea I lured them here to be eaten. I am so hungry, but they will make quite a meal. [Laughs.]
- Witch (Raven): Yoo-hoo! Little children! You cannot start a meal with dessert. Why not try a hot appetizer instead? [Gestures to her house made of appetizers.]
- Hansel (Beast Boy): Yo, I could crush those mozzarella sticks!
- Witch (Raven): There is dipping sauce in the fountain.
- [Hansel and Gretel are entranced by the house and jump into the fountain, laughing.]
- Witch (Robin): Hey! They were going to eat my house, you old bag!
- Witch (Raven): I think they should decide.
- Witch (Starfire): Yoo-hoo! [Flies in on a broom.] Do not fill up on appetizers, my Liebchen. The main course is ready. Try my delicious meat and potato house.
- Gretel (Cyborg): I love meat!
- Hansel (Beast Boy): I love potatoes!
- [Hansel and Gretel begin eating the meat and potato house.]
- Witch (Robin): Ah! You leeches are eating all of the children I lure here. I'm starving.
- Witch (Raven): Don't blame us if the children refuse to eat your hairy candy canes.
- Witch (Robin): [Gasps.] How dare you speak of mein candy canes in such way! [Slaps Witch.]
- [The three witches begin arguing, failing to notice as Hansel and Gretel eat their houses and grow bigger.]
- Hansel (Beast Boy): [Burps.] Ah! Mmm, mmm, mmm. That was so yummy.
- Gretel (Cyborg): Ah! Thanks for the meal, ladies.
- Hansel (Beast Boy): Catch you later.
- [Hansel and Gretel roll away and the witches notice that their houses have been eaten.]
- Witch (Robin): Our delicious houses ... gone!
- Witch (Raven): Where we will live now? I cannot afford another appetizer house.
- Witch (Starfire): No, we are on the fixed incomes!
- [The three witches cry.]
- Cyborg: And so Hansel and Gretel left having enjoyed a delicious three-course meal. And the witches froze to death during the long winter that followed.
- Beast Boy: Moral of the story. "Don't make your house out of foods. That's dumb."
- Robin: That is not a moral!
- Raven: Well, it should be. Can we leave now?
- Robin: You cannot leave this tower until I've told you the story of a girl who could not leave her tower. Lend me your ears! I will tell you a tale of a tower and within it a maiden so fair who is blessed with long locks of luxurious ...
- Raven: Oh, Rapunzel. I'll tell it fast so at least one of us can get out of her tower. There was a princess named Rapunzel who was trapped in a tower. All the princes of the land wanted to rescue her.
- Prince (Beast Boy): Hey, yo, Rapunzel! Let me get up in that tower, girl!
- Raven: The tower had no stairs, but luckily, Rapunzel was gifted with long, healthy and very curly ... [The prince climbs up.] fingernails.
- Prince (Beast Boy): [Screams and falls to the floor.]
- Rapunzel (Raven): [Groans.] Come on, prince. Are you going to rescue me or not?
- Prince (Beast Boy): [Groans.] No, I'm good, yo.
- Rapunzel (Raven): It's the nails, isn't it?
- Prince (Beast Boy): Can you just cut 'em?
- Rapunzel (Raven): What would you use to climb up and rescue me?
- Prince (Beast Boy): [Shudders.] They're just so gnarly.
- Rapunzel (Raven): You princes are worthless. Forget this. If I'm gonna escape, I'll just do it myself. [Cuts nails and then sharpens them into claws. She replaces her dress with another outfit and then uses her claws to scale down the wall.]
- Pr ince (Robin): M'lady, I would ask for your hand in marriage. Also, I have brought you this nail file.
- Rapunzel (Raven): [Rips the prince's clothes to shred.] No one's gonna cage this bird again.
- Raven: And so Rapunzel went on to live an awesome life of adventure and intrigue using only her rad fingernails to slice and dice her way to fame and fortune. So, the moral of the story is "Forget boys. Get paid!" [Makes money rain.]
- [The Titans cheer and grab money from the air.]
- Beast Boy: Get the money, get the cash!
- Robin: You are ruining these stories!
- Starfire: I quite enjoyed the tale of the fingernail princess!
- Beast Boy: [Stomach grumbles.] Yo, can we eat now?
- Robin: All you do is eat! Good thing I have another story about eating. [Plays panflute.] Listen, knaves, and interrupt not my story, or you demise by my hand will be swift and gory. This is the tale of a girl in a hood who met a large wolf deep in the woods.
- Starfire: Oh, oh, oh! Oh, the story of the diminutive female who wore the red cloak of the riding. I am quite familiar with this tale of the folk.
- Robin: Please, let me ...
- Starfire: [Punches Robin off the control panel.] Once upon a particular time interval the girl of the red ridings and hoods was bringing the treats to her grandmother.
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): [Sings and stomach rumbles.] Ooh, I have the hunger. I suppose grandmother will not mind if I have a small bite of her snacks. [Eats whole basket and notices bushes rustling. A wolf appears.] Oh, hello, Mr. Wolf. It is good to see you, but I cannot dally for I am on my way to the grandmother's house.
- Wolf Father (Robin): Oh, and what a lovely girl you are to help your grandmother so.
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): No, alas, I am not. I ate up of her snacks and now the basket is empty.
- Wolf Father (Robin): All of the snacks you say? You must be stuffed.
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): To be quite honest, I am still having the hungries.
- Wolf Father (Robin): Well, if we're being honest, I could have a bite myself.
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): [Eats the wolf and spits out his jacket.] Delicious. Oh, I should have saved some wolf for the grandmother. I suppose I can still give her this warm fur coat.
- Wolf Baby (Cyborg): Say, Father ... Father, where are you?
- Wolf Baby (Beast Boy): We are so lost and so very cold.
- Wolf Baby (Raven): If Father is missing, who'll get the medicine for Mother?
- Wolf Baby (Cyborg): She is so very ill.
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): Oh, dear! Those poor, poor wolf babies. What have I done! [Puts on the jacket and makes her hair stand. Clears throat.] Hello and wolf greetings to you, my little fuzzies.
- Wolf Baby (Cyborg), Wolf Baby (Beast Boy), and Wolf Baby (Raven): Father!
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): Um... Wolf, wolf.
- Wolf Baby (Beast Boy): Father, you look so strange.
- Wolf Baby (Cyborg): What long eyelashes you have.
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): Uh, the better to give you the butterfly kisses with. [Lifts the wolf kid and gives him a butterfly kiss.]
- Wolf Baby (Cyborg): [Laughs.]
- Wolf Baby (Beast Boy): What a small nose you have.
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): The better to smell your scrumptious aroma with. [Sniffs the wolf baby.]
- Wolf Baby (Raven): Uh, what tiny teeth you have, Father.
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): Ah! The better to eat ... Normal food with. [Stomach growls.]
- Wolf Baby (Raven): You're hungry, Father?
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): Very hungry.
- Wolf Baby (Beast Boy): So are we!
- Red Riding Hood (Starfire): Hmm... Oh, I have the idea. I know the grandmother, that is in no way related to me, that we can eat!
- Wolf Baby (Cyborg), Wolf Baby (Beast Boy), and Wolf Baby (Raven): Hurray! We love you, Father.
- Starfire: And so the red rider of hoods and the tiny wolves ate the tiny grandmother. And they lived happily ever the after.
- Cyborg: What?
- Starfire: And the moral is, "If you consume the wolf, you must then adopt his identity and raise his family as your own."
- Beast Boy: Oh, yeah, totally!
- Cyborg: That makes a lot of sense. That is a great story.
- Robin: [Plays panflute. Groans.] I've failed as a bard. My stories didn't teach you anything.
- Cyborg: That's not true, Robin.
- Raven: Hansel and Gretel taught us to eat proper meals.
- Starfire: From the Rapunzel, we learned the value of independence.
- Beast Boy: And Little Red Riding Hood taught us to be responsible for our actions.
- Cyborg: But the most important thing we learned ...
- Beast Boy: Is that you wear man diapers!
- [Cyborg, Beast Boy, Raven, and Starfire laugh while Robin sheds a single tear.]
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